21 February 2023
When Graham Aubrey’s late wife Suzanne was cared for by hospice, what Graham appreciated most was that the nurses and doctors were upfront and honest with him. They explained what was happening every step of the way, taking the fear and uncertainty away for the family. To give back to the charity that gave him and his family so much, Graham has started fundraising for Harbour Hospice. This is his story...
When you work in an office the days can all blur into one. So, Graham Aubrey certainly paid attention the morning his future wife walked in. It was the year 2000. The office was in Leeds, West Yorkshire. And Graham was a quantity surveyor in his twenties.
Suzanne was joining the team as the boss’ new executive assistant and she didn’t look like Graham’s colleagues. “She had red, spiky hair and an awesome smile and she wore this bright pink coat. She looked like a pink blancmange.”
Graham couldn’t resist testing the waters with a few dessert-related jokes and was delighted to discover Suzanne shared the same sense of humour. Romance blossomed, Suzanne upgraded Graham’s glasses: “She said mine were old-fashioned,” Graham laughs.
Then the couple got married (in Las Vegas, 2005), began working and travelling round the world, and started a family, with two daughters born in Dubai and Athens, Greece.
In 2014 the family immigrated to New Zealand and settled on Auckland’s North Shore. Graham and Suzanne started their own businesses, and all that was left on Suzanne’s to-do list was to buy a family home. “It was a dream of hers to own a home in New Zealand,” Graham says.
However, somewhere in the middle of house-hunting – October 2020, to be exact - Suzanne detected a lump in her right breast. The following day it was diagnosed as cancer and a few weeks later a biopsy confirmed she had triple negative breast cancer - a form of cancer both rare and aggressive, with very poor odds of survival.
The couple was devastated but Suzanne was determined to face the journey ahead with laughter and lightness. She underwent a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and continued her quest to find their dream home, all with a ready laugh. She found “the one” in late 2021 – a bungalow right across the road from their youngest daughter’s school. “She loved it as soon as she walked in,” says Graham.
But by then her cancer had spread to her liver and bones and Suzanne knew she would probably never live in her dream home. She was admitted to Harbour Hospice’ newly refurbished North Shore Inpatient Unit where she died two weeks later. Settlement on the house went through the day before she died.
Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to describe how Graham feels about the loss of his wife. “She was my true love, the mother of my gorgeous girls, a fighter and an inspiration. And she had been so excited about the house she had found for us,” Graham remembers.
“At least we can rest in the knowledge that she achieved her dream. We have dedicated an area of the house to Suzanne, where we keep her ashes.”
Suzanne’s final days in hospice care were very peaceful, Graham says. “I stayed every night, and the girls and Suzanne’s mum sometimes stayed too; even our dog was allowed to come in.”
Suzanne and Graham celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary at hospice. “The nurses brought in cakes and crisps and pop. I hopped on the bed with Suzanne and we watched a movie. It was really good in every way.
“But the thing I appreciated most was the way the hospice nurses and doctors would sit down and talk to us. There is always some fear about what’s going to happen, no matter how well prepared you are – but they gave us a full understanding of what was happening and what to expect next, and they did it in a manner that was caring and not confrontational. Then I’d see it with my own eyes, so I knew I could trust them.
“It helped me mentally prepare myself – and the girls - for each sign of deterioration. It never felt like one moment she was there and the next moment she was gone. And once we knew Suzanne’s time was coming it seemed to lift a large weight from our shoulders. We were able to relax and enjoy the time we had left together.”
Harbour Hospice Medical Team Leader Dr Eugenia Romboli says it’s integral to build trust with families to assure them as much as possible.
“You can never assume how a patient and their family feels, what they understand about their loved one’s condition or the process of dying,” explains Eugenia. “So, you have lots of conversations with them to get to know their needs.
“It’s also really hard for people to come to us and say, ‘I’m struggling,’” she adds. “So even if they seem okay you ask, ‘Are you okay, are your children okay, is there anything we can help you with?’
“If we don’t ask, we don’t open the door for them, and they need that door to be open.”
Graham is so grateful for the care Suzanne and the family received he has begun fundraising for Harbour Hospice. “It’s such an important service in the community and the care it provides patients is just so personalised and compassionate.”
To support Graham’s fundraising efforts, and help take the fear and uncertainty away for other patients and their families by providing compassionate and expert care please click on this link.
