30 June 2025
It was Phil Bates’ wish to remain at home with his dear wife Patsy until his very last breath. With hospice support, Patsy was able to fulfill his wish.
Not everybody gets a second chance at love with a person. But when Phil Bates turned up on Patsy Bates’ doorstep 25 years after they’d gone their separate ways, she was happy to welcome him in.
The couple had shared an innocent sort of romance throughout their teens, after meeting at Sunday School. "We were one another’s first loves, and Phil was very sweet,” Patsy says. “He would leave me love notes in the hedge outside my house when he was doing his paper run.”
They broke up when Patsy was 20 and went on to marry other people and have families. But a few years after Phil’s marriage ended, he heard through a friend that Patsy was widowed. He got in touch. Long-dormant feelings were re-ignited, and the couple held a silver-themed wedding to celebrate their restart after 25 years.
Fast forward another 25 years and the couple were celebrating their actual silver wedding anniversary on 25 January 2022, when Phil, a development chemist, noticed some unusual symptoms. He followed up with his GP and was soon after diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.
The couple was devastated. “We were really scared of losing one another again,” Patsy recalls. “Phil was such a great person. So funny, quick-witted and clever. It felt very unfair.”
Harbour Hospice became involved in Phil’s care not long after his initial diagnosis, and Patsy says it was one of Hospice’s counsellors that really helped her maintain her strength throughout the couple’s journey. “She encouraged and supported me, and we both trusted her implicitly. We knew she was there when we needed to talk.”
With her encouragement the couple attended Harbour Hospice’s Open Doors Day Group, a support group for patients and their carers. Open Doors members benefit from socialising with others in a similar situation and receive invaluable information that can empower them to make well-informed decisions about their present and future.
Patsy says that while all the sessions were helpful, the week in which ‘The Hard Questions’ were discussed was particularly useful. “We were given a copy of a book 'My Advance Care Plan and Guide' but both found it very hard to address. However, after some time it did prompt us to discuss aspects of the content, enabling us to express our wishes should we die. I now have to say this was so important and certainly helped me to make informed decisions when Phil passed away.”
The couple began receiving visits from Hospice’s community nursing team, who were kind and compassionate and patient, Patsy says. Hospice’s occupational therapist began stopping in to assess the couple’s needs and bring equipment that enabled Phil to maintain his independence.
“She was very accommodating and respectful. Nothing was too much trouble,” Patsy says. “She got Phil a walker early on and a special knife and fork he could hold, and equipment to help him get in and out of bed by himself. This meant such a lot to us because we’re very private people and we wanted to get on with things as much as we could by ourselves.”
As Phil’s health worsened, Patsy began fielding questions from well-meaning people. “They'd see me transfer Phil from the bed to a chair, for example and say, ‘You shouldn't be lifting him. You’ll hurt yourself.’ I’d say, ‘I'm not lifting him, I'm transferring him. I’m not taking any weight. I’ve been taught how to do this by the Hospice nurses.’
“One person asked me why I wasn't getting professional help. I said, ‘I am getting professional help. I’m being guided every step of the way.’
“Hospice was always there, even in the night. There were a few times when I had to ring at 10 o’clock because I just didn’t know what to do. I could always pick up the phone and there would always be someone there who would give me an answer.”
Phil died in Patsy’s arms on 19 October 2024. His passing was peaceful and quiet and calm. “At the end, I felt like I didn't have to live with the guilt that I didn't do a good job, because I had done a good job. I know I took good care of my husband,” Patsy says. “But I couldn’t have done it without Hospice. Hospice had my back, and they were always encouraging.”
