21 March 2022
It was the news she least expected. Alison, a single mother of two teenagers, shares how she has learned to live with cancer, how she has adapted to still be the best mum she can be to her kids - and how Harbour Hospice has come to fit into their lives to support them, thanks to you.
When Alison was diagnosed with cancer she lifted the swearing ban at home. There was enough to deal with already without having to mind their Ps and Qs, the 59-year-old mum to Jess, 16, and Tom, 19, reasoned.
Twelve months on, and the trio still “swear like troopers”, despite Alison originally stipulating that they could only say what they liked for a week. “But it doesn’t matter, really, does it – not under the circumstances,” the former occupational therapist says.
Alison originally thought she was suffering from concussion when she began experiencing fatigue, migraines and trouble with her balance during 2020. She had specialised in working with clients with brain injuries and recognised the symptoms.
“I thought it had to be that or just sheer exhaustion,” she says. “I’d had a really hard year at work, carrying on through lockdown and with the kids studying from home as well. So I was just looking forward to taking a break over Christmas and getting back on my feet.”
But when her symptoms worsened she went to her GP. Scans and tests revealed her symptoms stemmed from brain disease caused by cancer, which had started in her lungs and spread to her brain, liver and bones.
Alison had never smoked in her life, and the cough she’d had for years, doctors had put down to asthma. So, her immediate reaction was one of disbelief, then a very deep sadness for her children. “It’s devastating. I couldn’t stop crying. The first thing I said was ‘but I’ve got children’.”
She put off telling Jess and Tom till she had all the facts then felt absolutely broken by the looks of shock on their faces. “They knew I was really unwell, but they hadn’t expected that. It took them a while for it to sink in and I really worried about Jess because she just didn’t want to talk about it for such a long time.
“One of the first things Tom said was ‘can I still go to uni in Wellington?’ and I was glad he still wanted to go. You want them to carry on living their lives.”
A good friend advised Alison to ‘get a team around you’ and she’s been incredibly touched by the friends and family and hospice staff who have rallied around her and continue to be by her side.
She has been able to get her affairs in order and make the house more comfortable to live in; she only needs to ask for help if anything overwhelms her.
But even with her network’s calming emotional and practical support she still went through a period of out-of-character behaviour – a stage, she reflects, that was probably exacerbated by the effects of the steroids she was taking to reduce the swelling on her brain.
“I became quite manic - a right madam, issuing lists and calling people constantly. I felt like I was running out of time and there was still so much to do. I kept saying to the children ‘I need to tell you about that and I need to tell you about this’ and it just made them go ‘what are you on about Mum?’ Just kind of back off’. I began to see it was changing our relationship because I was so uptight. I realised I had to sit down and calm down. These days I just like to be with them, and that’s all they want.”
One of the people who helped Alison reach that understanding is a Harbour Hospice counsellor, who Alison sees regularly, thanks to the support of generous donors like you. “I find our sessions very helpful in supporting me to process and put everything into context. I also talk to her about the kids and she helps with perspective and reality.”
When Hospice first contacted Alison she’d had a rough day. “I ripped into this poor nurse and yelled ‘why do you think you can call me?’ Two weeks later I called back to apologise and she said, ‘It’s fine Alison, we’ve heard it all before.’ We had a real good laugh about it, and I really appreciated that.
Hospice has never stopped calling. The nurses are cheerful, practical and supportive. I feel they are there, and I can ask anything.”
Alison has also called on Hospice Volunteer Services to have her life story recorded and uses volunteer drivers to take her to medical appointments. “I really like that the volunteer was picked for me because her kids had been similar ages to mine when her husband was diagnosed. I’ve cried a lot on our trips, and she is great.”
At the start of this year Alison and Jess did something very special together. They revived an old family tradition of firstfooting, a Scottish New Year ritual where the first person to step through the front door on New Year’s Day brings gifts that symbolise prosperity and good fortune.
Doing stuff like that matters more than ever, Alison says, although she is mindful of not being overly sentimental. “The kids don’t want to be constantly reminded. They just want the day-to-day normal stuff like pancakes for breakfast on weekends and doing errands.”
It used to upset Alison that she could no longer be the “competent” mum she used to be. “Where once I handled everything, now I need afternoon naps. But worrying about it didn’t make a difference to where I was now so I made this decision and it was quite a turning point. I decided to hold on to what I can do, not what held me back.
“So we’re living our lives and our lives are good. We go for walks, we see friends, we go on holidays. Jess and I have settled into a new routine and Tom is thriving in Wellington. And I now understand that I can still be Mum. I’m just a different version of Mum and the kids are okay with that.”
Will you donate now to help Alison ‘be Mum’
in the precious time she has left?
You have until 31 March for your charitable giving to be recorded this financial year. Claim your tax credits online using your myIR account. Not only will you receive rebates sooner, you can upload your charity receipts any time during the year.
Or you may like to try using Supergenerous. They make a claim with IRD on your behalf for all your charitable giving. Choose to keep or consider donating your rebates to Harbour Hospice.
